I'm really not sure where I intend to go with this blog or even how often I'll be able to update it. I'm finding myself forgetting details about things concerning Lex and I don't like it much at all. I guess I want all of my memories of his milestones and things we do together to stay fresh in my mind and despite my best efforts, they are slipping away. I think this blog will help me to remember things and give me a place to just ramble. Everyone deserves some rambling space right? Lately I've been preoccupied with thinking about the
last time things happened. Sounds strange I know.
Once upon a time Tony and I slept with our sweet little baby cuddled between us. It was wonderful to feel him moving around next to me and hear his little sighs and other sleepy sounds. Then one day unknowable to me, it was the
last time we would do that. It wasn't this particular day but it was one just like it.
If I had known that this would be the last night we would sleep together because my sweet boy wanted to sleep in his own crib by himself, would I have held him a little longer? Would I have sang him just one more song? Would I have stayed awake a little longer just watching him sleep? Probably.
Around 7 or 8 months, Lex decided we would no longer be spoon feeding him. See? There's one of those details that I've already forgotten. At the time it was so important to me but now I have no idea when it happened. He would be feeding himself from now on, shaking his head no and crying if you tried to help. It made me sad that I couldn't feed him any more. It wasn't this day but it was one just like it.
It was much the same when he decided he would no longer allow us to hold his bottle.
Months ago, I didn't know that soon he would not allow me to hold him or even be in the same room while he was sleeping. This was one the the last naps he would take with an audience. Even then I had to lay him down and snap the picture quickly as he was too exhausted to argue. Now the best I can do is watch the video monitor to see my angel sleeping.
Another
last was his first hotel stay when we traveled out of town for a funeral. He was exhausted but refused to sleep in the provided pack n play. Instead we cuddled up together on one of the double beds. I had to leave the tv off because he prefers dark and quiet rooms to sleep. I didn't mind at all. I had the most wonderful thing to watch right in front of me. This picture was earlier in the day.
One very important
last for me was the last time I got to see my sweet little nieces Vada, Jasmine, and Kiliegh. Lex and I, my sister, and all three of my nieces went to the Children's Museum in Bettendorf and then had lunch together. It was wonderful. Once again, I had no idea this would be the last time we could all get together like this. Not forever but for a very long time. This is the last time I held little Vada. It was August 13th, 2010.
One last that I was completely aware of was the last time Lex would nurse. He hadn't nursed in almost a month but I was diligently pumping and pouring in into sippy cups because I wanted my baby to be on breast milk for his first year. It was in the wee hours of the morning somewhere between July 28th and July 29th. He had tubes inserted in both ears the morning of the 28th for recurring ear infections and although he never woke at night anymore, on this night he did. When he snuggled in I knew what he wanted and I was surprised because he never wanted that anymore. As he nursed to his hearts content and fell back asleep in my arms, I knew it was the last time. I sat in that uncomfortable dining room chair next to his crib staring at him and rubbing his head for a long time even though my back hurt and I was freezing because I knew it wouldn't happen again. It never did.
I am so proud of him and all he has learned in his 16 months of life. Sometimes the accomplishments are bittersweet. I was so happy when he learned to sleep in his own crib and stay asleep all night. I didn't realize at the time that there would be more more cuddling at night, no more watching him sleep.
I was so proud of him when he was happy to be at day care playing with the other kids. The other day he actually ran away from me and cried when I got there to pick him up. It took everything I had to not cry too.
Our lives are moments just like these strung together. When one moment has passed there is no getting it back again. When life is a certain way it feels like it will always be this way but that just isn't true. People change, children grow up and the best we can do is to appreciate each moment because it may be the last of its kind.
