After a Lifetime Apart

I have no pictures for this post but that will change soon!

My sweet little niece Vada is turning the big 0-1 tomorrow! Happy Birthday sweetheart!  Aunt Charity loves you very much.

Unfortuately I can't be there because I have to work.  It marks the end of an era for little V, and the beginning of a new one as well. I haven't been able to see my sister, brother-in-law, or my 3 nieces because Vada has had a compromised immune system and needed as little exposure to people as possible while she got better.  We haven't spent time together since Vada was 5 months old so we have a lot of catching up to do!  Lex has an aunt, uncle, and three cousins to get to know. I am so excited!

I didn't grow up with Tara in my life but I knew her as a small child so I always wondered about her.  She was gone from my life but never my heart.  When we found each other again I was amazed to discover I not only had a sister but two nieces as well.  It seemed to come at the perfect time for me too.  Just as I was expanding my family here at home, my long lost family found me again.  It has been pretty heartbreaking to lose them again as I have these last 7 months but now we can move forward and get together again.  I love you guys and can't wait to see you all again!

Another Sleepless Night

Oh insomnia....  how I hate you.  So its 3:12 a.m. and I'm wide awake.  What better to do than blog? Working a rotating 12 hour shift at night can really wreak havoc on a persons internal clock.  Sometimes I sleep at night, sometimes during the day, sometimes for 2 hours, sometimes for 6, and sometimes on the particularly wonderful days, I don't sleep at all.  Oh the joys of alternate scheduling!  Unfortunately these days it takes two incomes to keep a family afloat and I have hopes and dreams for my son and my future child.  I want to be able to help them with college.  I want to be able to afford to let them participate in every activity they want to.  I want to be able to take them on vacations to Disney World, Lego Land, Six Flags and other exotic places children dream of visiting.  Someday I want to take them to see Mickey on Ice, Thomas the Tank Engine Live, I want to show them the ocean.  People who say things like "money isn't everything" are usually people who didn't grow up poor and I'm determined to do better for my kids.

At least these are the things I tell myself as I'm heading out to go to work. I think a few years down the road things will be better.  Once I can sleep at the same time every day I should be able to adjust.  Its the constant change that throws me off right now but when I'm off work, I want to spend the day doing things with Lex.  Someday when our kids are in school I'll stay awake every night and sleep every day instead of switching it up.  Not exactly traditional but these days, what is traditional anyway?  Nicer weather will help too.  I seem to do better on less sleep when the weather is good. 

Speaking of good weather, Lex and I actually got outside to play today! 

I got out his SuperTrike and pushed him around our block twice.  He was a little weirded out by it at first but once he realized he was moving he loved it!  Fresh air definitely did him some good because he was out like a light at 6 p.m.  He had a pretty big day though because he had a doctors appointment for his 18 month checkup.  They were about 20 minutes late getting us in but he was having so much fun running around the waiting room that he didn't mind.  He's now 23 lbs and 14 oz and 30 3/4 inches tall.  That puts him in the 5-10% range.

Mommy thinks he's perfect just the way he is.  To quote our favorite book "I love all that you will be and everything you are."

A Daddy and His Boy

Tony read my first post and although he liked it I think he was a little disappointed.  He said "Do you know you only mentioned me once?"  He is right but I explained that the post had a specific subject and I was just sticking to that.  Here is my post paying homage to "Daddy" and the baby who loves him. 

Reasons Why Daddy is Special to Lex

• Daddy and Lex take naps together.
• Daddy takes Lex to breakfast, just the two of them, every other Sunday.
• Daddy gets very upset when Lex bangs his head at night and wakes him up so he won't do it anymore.
• Lex imitates everything he sees his Daddy do.
• Daddy has taught Lex to whistle, give high five, flush the toilet and get off the couch all by himself.
• Lex starts talking about Daddy in the afternoons when he knows it is about time for Daddy to come home.
• Daddy buys Lex a new ball whenever we are at the store and Lex points and says ball... even though we have about 150 balls already.
• Lex loves snuggling on the couch with Daddy, a sippy cup, and some cartoons.

This list could go on and on.  I hope Daddy always knows how special he is to our little family. 

The Last Time

I'm really not sure where I intend to go with this blog or even how often I'll be able to update it. I'm finding myself forgetting details about things concerning Lex and I don't like it much at all.  I guess I want all of my memories of his milestones and things we do together to stay fresh in my mind and despite my best efforts, they are slipping away.  I think this blog will help me to remember things and give me a place to just ramble.  Everyone deserves some rambling space right?  Lately I've been preoccupied with thinking about the last time things happened.  Sounds strange I know. 

Once upon a time Tony and I slept with our sweet little baby cuddled between us.  It was wonderful to feel him moving around next to me and hear his little sighs and other sleepy sounds.  Then one day unknowable to me, it was the last time we would do that.  It wasn't this particular day but it was one just like it.

If I had known that this would be the last night we would sleep together because my sweet boy wanted to sleep in his own crib by himself, would I have held him a little longer?  Would I have sang him just one more song?  Would I have stayed awake a little longer just watching him sleep?  Probably.

Around 7 or 8 months, Lex decided we would no longer be spoon feeding him. See?  There's one of those details that I've already forgotten.  At the time it was so important to me but now I have no idea when it happened. He would be feeding himself from now on, shaking his head no and crying if you tried to help.  It made me sad that I couldn't feed him any more.  It wasn't this day but it was one just like it.

It was much the same when he decided he would no longer allow us to hold his bottle.

Months ago, I didn't know that soon he would not allow me to hold him or even be in the same room while he was sleeping. This was one the the last naps he would take with an audience.  Even then I had to lay him down and snap the picture quickly as he was too exhausted to argue. Now the best I can do is watch the video monitor to see my angel sleeping.

Another last was his first hotel stay when we traveled out of town for a funeral.  He was exhausted but refused to sleep in the provided pack n play.  Instead we cuddled up together on one of the double beds.  I had to leave the tv off because he prefers dark and quiet rooms to sleep.  I didn't mind at all.  I had the most wonderful thing to watch right in front of me.  This picture was earlier in the day.

One very important last for me was the last time I got to see my sweet little nieces Vada, Jasmine, and Kiliegh.  Lex and I, my sister, and all three of my nieces went to the Children's Museum in Bettendorf and then had lunch together.  It was wonderful.  Once again, I had no idea this would be the last time we could all get together like this.  Not forever but for a very long time.  This is the last time I held little Vada. It was August 13th, 2010.

One last that I was completely aware of was the last time Lex would nurse.  He hadn't nursed in almost a month but I was diligently pumping and pouring in into sippy cups because I wanted my baby to be on breast milk for his first year.  It was in the wee hours of the morning somewhere between July 28th and July 29th.  He had tubes inserted in both ears the morning of the 28th for recurring ear infections and although he never woke at night anymore, on this night he did.  When he snuggled in I knew what he wanted and I was surprised because he never wanted that anymore.  As he nursed to his hearts content and fell back asleep in my arms, I knew it was the last time.  I sat in that uncomfortable dining room chair next to his crib staring at him and rubbing his head for a long time even though my back hurt and I was freezing because I knew it wouldn't happen again.  It never did.

I am so proud of him and all he has learned in his 16 months of life.  Sometimes the accomplishments are bittersweet.  I was so happy when he learned to sleep in his own crib and stay asleep all night.  I didn't realize at the time that there would be more more cuddling at night, no more watching him sleep. 

I was so proud of him when he was happy to be at day care playing with the other kids.  The other day he actually ran away from me and cried when I got there to pick him up.  It took everything I had to not cry too.

Our lives are moments just like these strung together.  When one moment has passed there is no getting it back again.  When life is a certain way it feels like it will always be this way but that just isn't true.  People change, children grow up and the best we can do is to appreciate each moment because it may be the last of its kind.